how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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