Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
