you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
