apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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