I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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