My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
