no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
