Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
