apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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