I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Hippo gnu deer
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
