I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
