Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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