I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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