I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I fill condoms, not promises.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize