I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
