He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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