saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I need moral support for this bender
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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