Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This is the high leading the old right now
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
