doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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