After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
