So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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