yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
