I can tuck mytits in my pants
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
