The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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