Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize