I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
