Your face is a jimmy john
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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