My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
