Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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