I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
barbara walters just said penis...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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