Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
