Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Randomize
