Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
