The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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