he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
