my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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