The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
