So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
