dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
How does one acquire holy water?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
