Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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