I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i dont even know how to be here
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
