there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
