my phone needs a breathalizer
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
