you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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