She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
