I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
