The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize