I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
