i permit you to call me
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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