Swine flu. Run for my life!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize