I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
