it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
