I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
