Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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