I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
