I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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