You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
