The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize